When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the
lock. ~Author Unknown

It is very difficult to truly express my feelings today. I went through my self-pity party and drowned in a sea of my own self despair… for about 24 hours. It started on Wednesday when I went to my Doctor’s appointment. This was the appointment to schedule for all of the blood work and final testing before I begin my new venture of strict food limitations. The purpose is to track my progress and monitor any issues. So, my doctor and I are conversing about everything and she is asking me how I have been feeling. “Not great since I just learned I gained another 3 pounds”. She was unexpectedly surprised at this announcement, which automatically stressed me out. She began asking me other questions about my weight and depression and how I feel and my arthritis, etc. It was determine that there was another condition to add to the list!! I was diagnosed with Cushing’s Syndrome. As she was describing the symptoms and what it means – the words just floated around me and my head felt underwater. I was choking but my lungs were clear. I was further and further away from my own body and drifted off into nothingness. From there, she directed me to go to the hospital immediately for more in depth testing to determine how severe it is. Also during this enlightening discussion, it was found that my pharmacy has been giving me the incorrect dosage on one of the most important medicines that I take. Wal-Mart Pharmacy, who I started going to because of their $4 generic prescription plans, have decided to only give me 50mg of my prescription versus the 88mg that my doctor requested due to insurance restrictions. This was not the worst part – My doctor was never notified of this change. Now, as a result, My thyroid levels are completely out of whack which throws everything else off kilter. This news is what puts me over the edge. I begrudgingly make it to my car where I call the one person that will sympathize, my mother. I put on a brave voice because I don’t want her to worry but inside I am sobbing hysterically because I just can’t take this anymore. As my inner voice is gasping for air, I explain what is going on and she does what she always does. Gives her support and changes the subject so we don’t have to dwell. God, I love that woman. Regardless of the brave face… all I wanted to do was go to my mom’s house to escape, but I can’t…. because she lives 3,122 miles away. I miss her.

I arrived at the hospital which I frequent and continued my out of body experience to the testing center. This area of pure winners are all waiting for some kind of blood work done. I take my seat after submitting paperwork in the furthest corner possible facing the TV. A soap opera was on but I was trying not to notice the people around me so I focused on the wedding and drama surrounding it. You can get sucked in with Dana decides that she doesn’t love Charlie anymore and wants to go to Mexico to be with George but her father is in trouble with the mob and she needs this marriage to save him! I unfortunately did not find out if she got married and was called in ahead of everyone waiting. I felt the daggers piercing my skin from the waiting eyes as I walked past. Once 7 vials of blood was taken, I had was seemed like a spinal tap in my arm. The needle was as thick as the ink in a pen. Once the phlebotomist shoved the needle in my arm, It was not so bad but I guess that is what checked my cortisol levels to determine how severe my Cushing’s is. In my reality terms – it will tell the difference between 3 additional pills or 5 additional pills. Joy.

After all that monstrosity was done, I was completely spent. Some due to all of the blood that was stolen from me and the rest to my new found depression. I decided that it was not worth returning to work and I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Better yet, the life away. I grabbed myself a Wendy’s Chicken burger and plopped violently on the couch and turned on HBO’s Girls (Which is my new obsession because it is just fantastical). This is where I remained until Michael came home not long after. After telling him about my day and knowing how I must have felt, he kneeled at the edge of the couch so he was looking into my eyes, gave a heavy sigh, kissed me on the forehead and asked what I wanted to order in. I had to smile to myself because he knows me so well. He knew that asking me to get up and make something for dinner was just too much for me to handle in that moment. We ordered food and I watched the rest of the show and was a beached whale for the remainder of the night. I don’t think that I was capable of moving if I tried. At 11:30pm, I decided that I should go to bed and at least attempt to sleep, I put in headphones to try and quiet all of the voices and worries that plagues me.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day. There are days where tomorrow is a heavy cloud that hangs over me, every so often – there is sunlight that shines through but the cloud remains. I am not a depressing person but this was my pity party.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

I don’t care how much power, brilliance or energy you have, if you don’t harness it and focus it on a specific target, and hold it there you’re never going to accomplish as much as your ability warrants. ~Zig Ziglar

The big day, I have decided, will begin on Sunday, February 3rd, 2013. The program that I have chosen to follow has the meal plans and shopping lists spread out from Sunday through to Saturday. I also have made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow at 11:15am to do a full blood panel and all of that jazz and I made an appointment with my acupuncturist for 2/10/13. I also decided what I was going to do for my fiancé for Valentine’s day. I feel very accomplished today. After doing all of this at work and feeling productive, yes – I completely agree with the irony, I decided that I was going to set goals for myself as well as rewards. I have thought about this a lot. I don’t want to set myself up to fail and I definitely want to allow reasonable results. I refuse to be one of those people that say “Boo! I have been on this diet for 2 weeks and have not lost 40lbs!!” I should note too that I have been this person and my procrastination and laziness certainly does not work well in my favor. So, the detox program that I am doing is 3 weeks – I will set that as a goal that includes NO cheating what so ever. It won’t work if there are cheats involved. Goodbye stigma of once a cheater, always a cheater (with food)! I will set another goal after the 6 week trial basis that I have agreed to with my doctor. I am going to re-evaluate where I am at that point and set new goals accordingly. Hopefully, after the trial basis and I start getting my shit together… I can start to focus on losing weight and working out again.

I had included a quote at the beginning of this post which really spoke to what I was trying to say. “I don’t care how much power, brilliance or energy you have, if you don’t harness it and focus it on a specific target, and hold it there you’re never going to accomplish as much as your ability warrants.” by Zig Ziglar. I feel like society doesn’t note how important this is. We put such high standards on everything that the goals that we set fail before we start them and if we don’t keep focusing on what we want, we will never know what we are capable of. I find this true and very inspiring I know at least 3 people right now that want to lose 70+ lbs. by Christmas… of this year! As admirable as it is to make that decision and that step to lose the weight, odds are… that goal will not be reached. It’s not realistic. Does that make me a cynic? No! I am a very optimistic person… dammit, but I think that it is smarter and more effective to set a goal to get healthy and work out more and go on that basis versus just based on the numbers your scale shows. Let me tell you something – SCALES SUCK! They are evil pieces of plastic and metal and the ones that talk are the manifestations of the devil! We have a mutual hatred for each other. I have accepted this as fact so I try not to associate myself with any. Even at the doctor’s office – I act as though I am being bathed in holy water when I step on the scale… It is not a popular reaction.

Anyways – what rewards to set for myself? I am absolutely open to suggestions. A big one that I want is my own new laptop. I want to have the ability to go online, blog, watch porn (JK mom! I have it on TV, ha-ha) whenever I want without having to ask permission. I know that will not be for a while as there are some debts to pay off first which definitely take priority. But something like getting through 6 weeks without sugar does not equal a new laptop – that’s like a high five territory. I think that I will reward myself with the following:

Goal 1: Completing the 3 week detox cleanse Paleo Diet – Reward: Manicure & Pedicure

Goal 2: Completing the 6 week trial basis as agreed upon with Doctor – Reward: Alex & Ani Khaki drop healing earrings

I try not to give myself too much of materialistic goals. The first goal I have decided is to represent some pampering that my body will absolutely need after the torture of withdrawals!! Then, the 6 week trial – the earrings that I want have the khaki crystal in them which represent healing and health wellness. What better representation??

My goal for this week though? Stuff myself with as much sugar and gluten as my body can handle!! Oh – is that a random candy bar from 3 years ago in the pantry? NOM NOM NOM! Oh – you want to go to that breakfast place that uses bacon grease in the eggs and toast and has Cream cheese stuffed French toast? Fuck yeah!! I may be getting violently sick every night but I need to taste buffalo wings while I still can!! Nooooooo buffalooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! And… wine. Need I say more? Bam!

Cradle robbing – Please apply

I am not entirely proud of it but I will admit that I am mildly obsessed with them. A small part of my womanhood dies with each view of this video among others but holy geez! I guess I am just a 12yr old girl at heart!

Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue.

I heard something today that disturbed me greatly. Not surprised, but disturbed. I used to work in the lion cage of craziness called facility maintenance. Let me re-affirm USED TO work. Also, I used to work with someone who I am still very close to and I honestly consider my second mother… I have known her for many years and she was my boss at said previous job. I reluctantly left that position because the environment was just too much for my health and the stress was manifesting itself in my illnesses! I could not do it anymore. I was burnt out, that was a common occurrence at this job. Anyways, she was telling me about a woman who was in our department and her meltdown over a verbal warning that was clearly needed. I’ve known this woman when I worked there and I personally despised her. I am just the type of person that does not condone the type of theatrics she portrayed. We all know that one person that no one really likes and they are just so dramatic over every little thing! So.. she gets a verbal warning, has a fucking melt down and makes a huge scene in the office declaring that she quits. It is rumored that she is contacting employees past and present to file a lawsuit. Seriously??? Like I said, I did not like her nor have I ever (I told her that I want to punch her throat the last time I saw her) but have some self-respect!!

When did this modern-day become a place where this is acceptable. This happens all of the time – there is a whole website dedicated to the “People of Wal-Mart”! Now, I am not exactly a sophisticated princess and I certainly know how to swear like a fucking sailor but I can at least present myself in public and act like a lady. Have we lost all self-respect for ourselves, each other and the world? The people around me at least know that I will conduct myself properly.

That is my rant for the day.

Your body is a flower that life let bloom….

Show me a woman with a perfect body and I will show you someone who hates their ear lobes!

I have a thought about body image. It is the most cherished, sought after concept in this society. Here’s the thing… everyone has their own issue with the body they were given whether it was blessed to them by god, done to themselves or affected by disease or tragedy. It is the golden chalice of women of all ages. Even when you have the perfect body by the media’s standards – that woman would find something they hate about themselves. It is constantly ridiculed in the media of the common celebrity, is she pregnant? she is getting fat! Look at all that cellulite on her thighs! Get rock hard abs like this photo shopped woman! Is she anorexic, look how sickly she is! – The whole thing makes me sick. I say this as a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites on this issue and that also makes me sick. Whoever says that they are 100% happy with how they look is lying. It is not in our nature, we are always striving for perfection… but what is perfection?

With this new venture that I am going through, it has given me the opportunity the really think about where I am in my life and how I feel about myself. I have always had issues with my self-confidence (who doesn’t). What got me really thinking is how in-tune my fiance is to my self-awareness. For example — I have very large ta-ta’s. They are spectacular and I am very proud of them. I am however, extremely self-conscious with how much of them I reveal to the public. They also affect me GREATLY on if I am running or even walking down flipping stairs. They are my shelf when I am eating to catch any leftovers and we have a very love/hate relationship. My fiance loves them (what guy wouldn’t) but he knows how much they bother me. He very lovingly, sometimes jokingly, points out when they are hoarding food or trying to make an appearance. ::sigh:: Oh, to be a c-cup! Anyways, I am also overweight. Knowing that I am going on this diet of course makes me at least a little bit hopeful that I will lose some weight but I know it is important to keep my eye on the goal which is to be healthy and remove the toxins from my body. The rest will follow.

In the meantime, I will attempt to be mindful of the people around me and how I react to them. I find that I am a judgmental person and I can be pretty loudmouthed. Mostly, it is in good fun but like I said before… sometimes, I don’t know if I am just a bitch sometimes. I vow to respect people more (all people because women are not the only ones that have body issues) and give everyone a high-five!

On a side note – I had a more in-depth conversation with my fiance and I feel so much better about his involvement with the diet. At first, I didn’t know if he truly understood the intensity of the change and if he was blindly supporting me. We talked briefly about all of the chemicals in foods that we eat and how much better he felt today when he ate natural venison for lunch which a friend of ours had brought over for us. He wanted me to look at local farms to find out if we would be able to get any locally. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because I was really getting worried (and lord knows the more weight off my shoulders, the better my ta-ta’s feel!). I now feel like we are a team in this journey! Ugh, talking about taking weights off makes me need to take off my bra… I am now going to go park my size 18 ass in bed where I belong! 🙂

Something to think about regarding today’s views on the woman’s body – Marilyn Monroe is considering the most beautiful woman, ever. She was a size 14.

Wanted: Minions for hire!

Reality Slap in the Face!

I have continued in my quest for information today and found the following quote on a website for a 30day program of strict paleo eating. It is similiar to the program that I am going to do. I had to read this 4 times and it acted as a word slap to the face. I need to print this! I just thought that I would share this tough love with you because I have lost motivation today but I am slowling crawling out of my hole of self pity.

“It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your “struggles”. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE not to complete the program as written. It’s only thirty days, and it’s for the most important health cause on earth – the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime.”

Boom Shaka laka!

 

Wilting flower, Crouching spirit…

It’s already gone. The big hurrrah! The gung-ho attitude! The endless motivation! gone – ran out of the door as fast as it could. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that I am giving up. I honestly think that I am PMSing right now (at least I hope so!) because I am just so tired and annoyed and everyone’s face is making me twitch inside.

So there I was last night with a large piece of cake and a beer can (I keep it classy) and reading online about the Paleo diet and what it entails. I became increasingly depressed as I kept scrolling down to what seemed like an endless list of the foods that it eliminates. As I opened another beer, I decided to bring up the subject to my fiance. We’ve been together just about 6 years and he is honestly the love of my life. Not today though, I want to punch him today. I looked at him and told him everything that my doctor said and what the diet means and what it consists of. He responded with “Okay, whatever you need to do… I am on board”. Now, I know that is incredibly supportive but I just don’t think he understood what exactly I was trying to get across. I pressed the issue with describing what it is and what it means and what is given up and what is gained. His only vice that he wants to keep is the ability to drink beer. Knowing that I am already aggravated and mad at the world and overwhelmed and stressed – I feel like the support bubble that surrounds me with this issue is very thin. I know that everyone wants me to get better and feel better and lose the weight but I honestly believe that many people that are close to me will pull away and get upset once it affects them directly. I know that my in-laws are a good example of this. They love me like a daughter and the feeling is mutual. I am very lucky in that respect but we have dinner every Sunday night. Will my mother in law change her whole way of cooking for me? Will my father in law allow it? Is it even fair for me to ask it of them? It is incredibly discouraging to not have all of these questions answered without having to ask them. My pattern is to have a strong start for the first week that ends up quickly dying down and fading away to the lost world of failed diets and dreams. I think people are already expecting this from me and just waiting for me to give up and go back to normal, reach for that cake. The thing is… this isn’t just a weight watchers meeting that I missed… again… this is crucial for me. I am understanding the importance of this and I am just feeling the effects of it, good and bad. I promise that this will not be a constant bitchfest. I do play the victim card and make excuses but NO MORE sparky!! I am not sure that this is the best way to handle it either but I feel the need to eat everything that I love now and will not be able to in the future. Ugh, I just feel so lost today. I ache. The greatest inspiration that I am gaining right now is from one of my favorite movies. “Just keep Swimming”.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Change always comes bearing gifts…

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.  ~Japanese Proverb

I have decided to begin a blog to document my life, experiences and health progress. The motivation really came with the health thing which I am not thrilled to put out there on the internet but I have found that I am a creature of bad habits and unless I incorporate change and accountability, I will never follow through. In this case, there is a lot more at stake for me. I am also a very creative person and I always have been so I will utilize this page to express my hilarity as well. I know… try to contain your excitement. It was recommended to me by a really good friend of mine to post the many pinterest recipes that I find as I love to cook and use this as whatever feels natural to me. “Don’t make it be homework, make it fun” She said – It is funny how people end up knowing you so well. So, prepare yourselves!

Firstly the reason that I am here, I will introduce my health issues and let you know where I have been and where I am heading. This way here, we are on a mutual understanding of each other (Well, more so one sided but whatever). I have a disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. It is an auto-immune disease that focuses on the thyroid. I also have, Rheumatoid Arthritis and a Meningioma on my brain stem. I take 14 pills a day which includes 3 vitamins. Fortunately (I say this loosely), I am not that sick. I could be a hell of a lot worse and I am not in and out of ERs or surgeries. I live a normal life. The problem is, I live a normal life AROUND my symptoms. None of what I have is curable and I have been fighting my way kicking and screaming as a petulant child to try and ignore what is happening to me.  I am also fat, there is no way to sugarcoat it. I. AM. FAT. I have accepted that a long time ago. I am completely comfortable and confident with my body but the bottom line is that I have like 100lbs to lose. Thanks to my thyroid issue, dieting has been near impossible and I am too much of a pansy to do anything drastic or change my habits dramatically. I am just used to disappointment so I let myself give up very easily. Overall, It has come around to 2 options. (1.) I keep going the way that I am going (rebelling against my body in any way I can) and die in 20 years or (2.) Change EVERYTHING and live until I was meant to when I am very old.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor this morning – Yes, I have one of those awesome doctors – and she had done some research as to what she wants me to try next. All signs point to excercise on a regular regimen (No huge surprise there) and start the Paleo diet on 2/1/13. She noted the paleo diet has an auto-immune concentration and it would focus my body on detox and regaining the vitamin intake that I am losing. Changing to this diet will also help me lose weight exponentially. This of course give me doubts but I am at the point where hey – what do I have to lose. Oh yeah – BREAD! I have to lose bread… and sugar…. and ALCOHOL!! I loves me some wine. Good god, this is going to be difficult! I am in the process of making an appointment to have a full panel of blood work and all that jazz so I can keep track of my progress. This will require a lot of support, swearing and good old fashioned middle finger to the world but if I make it… then it will probably be worth my life.

Welcome change.