It’s already gone. The big hurrrah! The gung-ho attitude! The endless motivation! gone – ran out of the door as fast as it could. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that I am giving up. I honestly think that I am PMSing right now (at least I hope so!) because I am just so tired and annoyed and everyone’s face is making me twitch inside.
So there I was last night with a large piece of cake and a beer can (I keep it classy) and reading online about the Paleo diet and what it entails. I became increasingly depressed as I kept scrolling down to what seemed like an endless list of the foods that it eliminates. As I opened another beer, I decided to bring up the subject to my fiance. We’ve been together just about 6 years and he is honestly the love of my life. Not today though, I want to punch him today. I looked at him and told him everything that my doctor said and what the diet means and what it consists of. He responded with “Okay, whatever you need to do… I am on board”. Now, I know that is incredibly supportive but I just don’t think he understood what exactly I was trying to get across. I pressed the issue with describing what it is and what it means and what is given up and what is gained. His only vice that he wants to keep is the ability to drink beer. Knowing that I am already aggravated and mad at the world and overwhelmed and stressed – I feel like the support bubble that surrounds me with this issue is very thin. I know that everyone wants me to get better and feel better and lose the weight but I honestly believe that many people that are close to me will pull away and get upset once it affects them directly. I know that my in-laws are a good example of this. They love me like a daughter and the feeling is mutual. I am very lucky in that respect but we have dinner every Sunday night. Will my mother in law change her whole way of cooking for me? Will my father in law allow it? Is it even fair for me to ask it of them? It is incredibly discouraging to not have all of these questions answered without having to ask them. My pattern is to have a strong start for the first week that ends up quickly dying down and fading away to the lost world of failed diets and dreams. I think people are already expecting this from me and just waiting for me to give up and go back to normal, reach for that cake. The thing is… this isn’t just a weight watchers meeting that I missed… again… this is crucial for me. I am understanding the importance of this and I am just feeling the effects of it, good and bad. I promise that this will not be a constant bitchfest. I do play the victim card and make excuses but NO MORE sparky!! I am not sure that this is the best way to handle it either but I feel the need to eat everything that I love now and will not be able to in the future. Ugh, I just feel so lost today. I ache. The greatest inspiration that I am gaining right now is from one of my favorite movies. “Just keep Swimming”.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Vintage imagination 