All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

 

Something strange happened. No, nothing nearly as strange or as cool as this picture. Have you ever had one of those dreams that leave you in awe. It wakes you in your slumber and leaves you breathless; yearning to go back to it for more or desperate to stay away?

The dream that I had last night was so bizarre that I woke up and remembered the dream so vividly that I could smell the dust settling and feel the stale air. I don’t remember how it started although it seems that dreams always begin in the middle. I was back in college with my friend and roommate Chien-Mei (a former co-worker). We were late to get to class and we both hurried to get seats in the busy lecture hall. The professor didn’t even begin talking and her phone starting to ring. She pulled out a 2002 Nokia phone and announced to the class that there was a murder in JC Penney and everyone should go there immediately to check it out! Everyone in the hall started to rush out, Chien-Mei and I were carried through the crowd and was left outside of the doorway as the stampede rolled through. We looked at each other and the empty classroom and decided to go to IHOP instead which was apparently on campus. (Everyone needs pancakes!) We approached the IHOP and was told there was going to be a wait. As we were trying to find somewhere to stand, there were people exercising on rowing machines and in the main waiting area, major construction. Massive cranes and chain link fences covered the waiting area, it looked more like an abandoned junk yard. There were construction men dropping large chunks of wood and metal, almost hitting someone with no concern. I stood against the fence when one of the cranes lifted a dumpster that was overflowing with metal discards. The crane toggled the dumpster and I moved out of the way as it fell all over the the fence, nearly crushing me. No one seemed to notice. Luckily, it was our turn to be seated and we sat in the corner where Chien-Mei looked out the window and said “Wow, the clouds look ominous.” (Yes, she really said ominous in my dream). As I looked outside, it looked more grim. They were black clouds. I looked closer outside to see a mushroom forming. “I think there’s been an explosion.” The radio next to our table started to static and began an announcement regarding a major explosion.

Then nothing. I woke up. I had to wait a few minutes to catch my breath again before checking my phone to see the time. I was completely stumped and flabbergasted. I really didn’t know what to think. On the ride to work, I was so shaken that I told my friend who I carpool with who looked at me with effortless ease and said “I bet it means you don’t feel safe anywhere you go. It makes sense considering you don’t feel safe in your own body.”

Oh I’m sorry, please lift my jaw from the floor. I couldn’t believe the insight and pure brilliance of that statement. It was alarmingly true and really resonated within my soul. I don’t feel safe. I went in for testing on Friday and my anxiety is through the metaphorical roof. I’ve decided to try a different approach to my health and begin researching holistic treatment. Obviously the recent things that I’ve tried has not helped so maybe my parents were right with the hippie lifestyle?

 

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. ~Edgar Allen Poe

 

And other failed pep talks I give myself…

I have moments of clarity. Just moments, rare and fleeting crammed in between thoughts of chores and work. These little ideal nuggets of time is like a spiritual connection between my mind and the universe. Everything fits and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The problem with this is that when I linger on them or try to focus and seize the moment to hold on for it longer, it flies away. I never know when it will come back and the depression of uncertainty washes over me once again.

It’s because of these little experiences that I have where I am pain free and worry free that I want to look into spiritual healing more than physical healing. I want to research a holistic approach to my life and allow that process through my system. Have you ever met an angry Buddhist? No! I’m not necessarily saying I will adopt the religion but the philosophy and spiritual energy relationship is worth looking into.

I’ve been off of the medication for nearly two weeks and I am considerably better. I feel at war with my body and mind though. There is a constant battle of pain and guilt along with shame and disappointment. It’s too much to process without going crazy and it is difficult to say whether my pills are working properly. I find that I protest myself and try to seize control over my body by refusing to take my pills for a week. It never works out well and I end up more sick than I could possibly describe but I do it anyway. It’s my way of knowing what is going to happen, even though it’s bad. Please don’t give me a lecture about how I need to take them every day because I am fully aware of this. Self mutilation is sometimes the only satisfying control a person has left. It’s not healthy but it’s what I got.

On one hand, my therapist keeps reminding me to be kind to myself. I’ve been focusing on my writing more. I know that’s not evident by this blog but I’ll try to update more frequently. I’m a part of a few websites that will pay per article and I’m trying to get published with a short story that I wrote. The process is much more emotionally taxing than I realized. I enjoy the writing and I am going to focus more on the fun of it for right now versus the “getting published” part of it because I need to improve. I’m doing a challenge to write every day for 20 minutes so I am doing that to get more in the habit.

I keep attempting to build myself up. That’s what you are supposed to do. Remember that “This too shall pass” and “everything happens for a reason.” I am trying to figure out who I am, I’m struggling. I’m depressed and I’m stuck. The pep talks only work intermittently in between those moments when everything makes sense and I have the sudden peace that I am on the right path. Those are rare and my failed pep talks only get me so far.