Organized Chaos is Beautiful

Rare as a fucking Unicorn!

Ok… perhaps not THAT rare but apparently I am in the personality block of less than 1% of the population. I took one of those crazy in depth personality tests today and got smacked in the face with reality. It was so crazy accurate that it needed to be blogged immediately. After going through the 50 questions or so and my brain was mush, my result was INFJ; This is the general description of what that means:

The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior.

So… If you’ve read my blog before, it is very clear that this defines me to a tee! TO A TEE! I am going to read the 60 page more advanced version to go further into it. HA! Wow – less than 1% of the population, that explains so much of why I never thought I fit in anywhere specific. GAHHHHHH. Anyways, carry on peeps. 🙂

You are not suck!

The quote that I used for the title of this post was actually “You are not stuck,” but I read it wrong and I think this one is way better!

It has recently come to my attention that I do not in fact suck. This is somewhat of a shock to me. I mean, I’ve always known that I was dipped in the awesome sauce as a child but it seems to be dripping away. I have started to slowly get my shit together a couple steps at a time. From my previous post, you know that this was a big issue for me. I’ve started my life binder which is still seen as a mild joke but the bruising is going down.

Speaking of bruising! A huge revelation that has released a boulder from my back happened at the therapist’s office. We spoke about the idea of kids and she asked me why I don’t want them to which I replied, “They are always screaming and needy and annoying and somehow constantly sticky which you can’t explain. Also, what if I have a migraine and can’t physically care for it or can’t move or have an episode. what then?” The therapist gave me a cold hard look that went right through me. She studied my eyes that started to panic and read my thoughts, she looked down and noticed that I started rubbing my right thumb on the joint of my left index finger again. She slowly sighed and said calmly, “We see children in our adult life the way adults treated us when we were children.” WHAT THE FUCK. Holy shitballs, cue my mind blowing up. This explains my whole disdain towards children and why I hate them so much. With the exception of my mother, I was a constant nuisance to everyone and unless I presented myself and spoke as an adult, I wasn’t recognized as a person. It is amazing how knowing the true root of the issue can open your eyes to how you really feel. Turns out, I really do want children but I was too horrified for it to reflect my childhood. If I come to find that I am not able to then I will still accept that as my path and be happy. I just feel so much more at peace with the whole situation.

That being said, Project Life is full steam ahead. (HA! That rhymed!). Michael and I went over a few things that we wanted to do and some goals. We’ve been doing really well on cleaning every day and doing the dishes every day and cooking more. I’ve honestly found that Inertia is working its magic fingers and I have been in motion and staying in motion.

P.S. I just spilled my coffee all over my hands while being distracted by a cute boy so I have that going for me.

A great big wave of opportunity has washed over me recently which is super exciting! I’ve been given the green light to write an article for a website as a contributor! thewellwrittenwoman.com is a credible website with regular writers that cover a variety of topics. Its not The New Yorker but you know what? IT’S MY FIRST STEP IN THAT DIRECTION! I am writing my article “What makes a woman” and it’s going really well. I can’t wait to present it. It isn’t a paying gig but it could turn into a regular writing contribution, with my own bio and everything! This is the first time that a website other than my own has wanted to publish my writing. I am so excited that I could pee! One of my goals in the life binder is to start writing every day whether it be part of an article, this blog or my writing blog.

I am actually looking forward to the future. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time. I mean really looking forward and trying to see what life will bring. I am not bracing myself for the next wave of disappointment. It is such a strange feeling because I’ve been doing that my entire life. The other shoe has always dropped. I am entering into unknown territory but I am surrounded by wonderful people and this time, I know I will make it no matter what happens.

 

Ugh – I apologize for the unbelievably fucking corny sayings pictures but they were so damned appropriate so fucking deal with it! ❤ you. 🙂

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.

Have you ever just sat back and thought about how fucked up you are and couldn’t catch your breath?

That moment when your partner for seven years turns to you and says “I know that you don’t want children but I think you should try and reconsider.” <cue anvil>

Anyone else have this experience? No? Just me? okay then… Let’s just say that my head is still reeling from the massive BOMB that was dropped this past weekend. Obviously Michael’s biological clock has started ticking which leaves me in a very interesting situation. Given my surprise miscarriage a few years ago and the subtle fact that I absolutely despise children, I have come to the conclusion that I would not have any of my own. This became fact. A well known fact. Family members have accepted this long ago. It is just something I haven’t thought about in a long time until now. We were driving when he turned and said this and added… “Initially we both wanted kids and if you really don’t want to then I understand but just know that it would be a very hard pill for me to swallow.” ::sigh:: INSTANT PANIC ensues. Let me just add this, it is one thing to daydream about having kids someday in a faraway land but it is a completely different unicorn having a serious conversation about it with a timeline.

My immediate reaction was to fall back on the fact that we are still dealing with Henry (tumor) and although it is on the path to be more safe, it is something to factor into the conversation. Also, for a couple of people in our late twenties – we do NOT have our shit together in any way shape or form. I mean, our go-to is still to order pizza and breadsticks if we don’t feel like doing the 3 day old dishes still in the sink. We don’t exercise on a regular basis and, heh.. we don’t exercise. I mean – how the fuck would another life form fit into this?!

I still don’t have a definitive answer but I am in the process of putting together a “Life Binder” to get our shit together. For those of you who know me personally, the idea of constructing a binder is HILARIOUS because I use any excuse to make a binder. Hardy har har. This is legitimate. I am officially submitting myself into full OCD mode and organizing every single aspect of my life. EVERY.SINGLE.ASPECT. I found an ebook that lists all (12) parts of your life and ways to organize and improve. This is a thing! It’s happening! We’ve talked it over and we will be completely re-evaluating everything and organizing what we do and how we do it starting this weekend. I told Michael that when and only when we have a better handle on things can we even start to talk about it. Holy cow is my therapist going to have her hands full on Saturday!

I am going to put a more detailed description on what we are going to be doing on here and blogging the whole time because that is actually part of what I want to be more consistent and organized! I am still thinking of a more clever name than Project Life so if you think of a better one, please share!!! 🙂

Oh – holy shit… I need to make these happen. (random) http://mamabblog.com/2011/06/french-toast-and-bacon-cupakes.html

 
A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Action is eloquence.

I struggle a lot with what I believe in. I always have and I imagine that I always will. I have this idea in my head about what kind of activist I want to be and how I can achieve that goal. I love researching and writing articles for Tenacious Thinking and I am incredibly passionate about the Feminist cause but I feel isolated. I honestly believe that everyone is equal and own themselves. I believe that 

we have the right to our own bodies and property to do with what we please without any intervention. I feel as though discrimination and hate is a waste of time and energy and unless someone is asserting violence against you, it is no one’s fucking business what you do with yourself. Feminism fits with what I believe because although I submit myself and believe in an Anarchist society, I completely understand that we do not have that type of freedom right now and until we do, there are rights that need to be fought for and the oppression of women and minorities is too great to keep quiet and have wishful thinking. I indulge in my beliefs by contributing to tenaciousthinking.com as often as I am able and exchanging ideas and opinions with a few Feminist groups on Facebook that I belong. I have met some wonderful people through these outlets and although I am forever grateful, I have been utterly shamed and disgusted as well. The idea that Feminism can be used to fuel hate and discrimination is completely hypocritical. 

I have often found myself the butt of jokes and brushed off by those who believe I am just another annoying voice out to get the men in the world to achieve more “GIRL POWER.” I expect this in the real world which fuels my feminist fire but I do not expect this type of behavior within my own feminist community. I am a sick person medically and it is very possible that I am not able to have kids or I will at least have a lot of difficulty. I have a good friend of mine on one of these groups and she recently found out that she is unable to have children. It was heartbreaking and world changing for her. It’s a ground shaking issue and the response in the group when it was discussed were mostly supportive for her but there are times when it really wasn’t or downright insulting. There has been moments or comments made that people in whom the right does not apply should not stand for those rights. Does that mean that I would not be able to stand up for reproductive rights? Would that make me or her any less of a feminist? Less of a woman? FUCK NO and I spit at your assumption. This makes me very angry but worse – the different values of other Feminists are truly flabbergasting. Isn’t the point of feminism to stand up for EVERYONE? regardless of everything… ?

 

The isolation has caused me to reflect on myself and re-evaluate what I believe. I know that I stand up for women’s rights. I stand up for the rights of the LGBT community. I don’t believe that being transgendered makes you any less of a man or woman. I believe that gender is within our mind and we live within the walls set by society. Love is only within our hearts and sex is within our genitalia. Regardless of who you are or what you classify yourself as, you have the right to be loved and accepted. Babies or no babies, boobies or no boobies. Penis or no penis. Vagina or no vagina. Sexual or asexual. IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. Everyone is a person. We all bleed the same and we all love the same. 

I stand for everyone. Every fucking hearbeat. If my feminism doesn’t fit into your cookie cutter version. I really don’t give a shit and you can go fuck yourself if you have anything to say about it. 

 

Action is eloquence.  ~William Shakespeare

It just wouldn’t be a picnic without the ants.

I’ve delayed this post for a few weeks. I don’t have a good reason for doing so but I couldn’t bring myself to sit at the computer, take a deep breath and re-live the last few months. I continued to brush it aside like food I wasn’t hungry for until the urge to eat became too much to bear. Writing is cathartic to me, it makes me happy. Delaying the inevitable breakthrough via the keyboard was more painful than the procrastination.

I started to look back a little and noticed the last post I wrote. November seems like a lifetime ago. It’s as though an entire lifetime of pain, stress, anger and excitement has gone by in a matter of two months. I’ve gone through a period of such severe depression during this time that I was not able to bring myself to write anything, not even an article or passing blog post about my thoughts as bad as they may appear. I know in my heart that I should have because it would have helped me work through it but I feel as though I am past the point of tricking my mind to be happy. The happiness is there within me and I have the ability to access but I never knew how.The struggle is still present but I am slowly getting the tools to access the better parts of my mind which has helped me settle into who I would like to be a little smoother. The road to this point has not been an attractive one.

There is so much to say with what has happened recently that I don’t really know how to begin. I will start with where I am now and move backwards because there is only so much that I can say in one post. I currently have my car back and I can legally drive again. My two court dates have come and gone fairly successfully, I have not heard back yet in regards to the approval of my pending bankruptcy but they said 90 days so I’m being patient (trying to be patient and not anxious). I began seeing a different Therapist after my other one had broken up with me. She is absolutely wonderful and truly helpful. Our financial situation has become much more manageable and stable. Michael and I are doing very well and work has gotten considerably better the past few weeks.

I’ve stepped up to the cold pedestal of my life and I am now able to look around the crowd of my past and see things differently. I can see how I reacted the way I didn’t want to and I am able to depict how I want to be seen as a person. My therapist and I have been working on changing my bad thoughts which includes what other people think of me or how I am portrayed. That has always been a massive issue for me because I know in my head who I want to be but it doesn’t seem real or validated until I notice someone else sees me that way.

I am not going to drone on about everything today because I want to try and focus on the future. Besides, what will I write about later?