The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

It can be a very difficult process to reconcile the person you strive to be and the person you’re meant to become.

It’s a constant struggle in my life. Certainly one of the main reasons that I start a new project with complete determination and lose steam a few weeks later. I can blame it on being a Libra or my INFJ personality, but I think it’s more managing expectations. Epiphanies rarely come to me one at a time. When I’m having a good day and I feel like my medications are working – I have this “high” that sends a lightning bolt through my imagination. I become excited and manic – wanting to start a new project and change my life. I become motivated that I’ll feel better once I lose some weight and the momentum will keep me going. The sudden inspiration can come from anywhere and can be about anything.

Recently, it’s been about exercising. I haven’t been active in about six months because of my illness and only recently have been approved to slowly get back into it. I watch videos and Instagram stories of these amazing dancers and the skills they posses and wonder if that could ever be “me” again. I loved dancing growing up – the family, the workout, the music. It was everything to me. I still love it, just from afar. I get lost watching “So you think you can dance” and choreographers on YouTube. I became excited to possibly start doing that again, working out and finding dance classes. The problem is that the follow through is not there. It’s not a time issue – I have plenty of time. It feels like a laziness issue. The obstacle is that I can’t determine if the lack of follow through is laziness or listening to my body.

This also translates to my relationship with food. I know I’ve written about this many times but food is my fickle bitch. I can be really great about cooking, eating healthy and bringing my own lunch for two weeks but then fall into a deep hole of take out and chocolate cake. I know that I reward small victories with food and I also wallow with food. On the days where my body is tired and painful, I will get takeout or delivery since I can’t cook. The laziness will spill into the next day and then I give up on myself and wallow in my failure. Delivery is very difficult to give up – especially in the days of Postmates and Doordash. It’s so much easier to order food now that it’s made a significant burn mark in my finances and my willpower. Not to mention my weight. My current success is that I haven’t exceed three hundred pounds. It’s a sad thing to be happy about but that’s where I am right now.

To be honest, I’m not really writing this with an answer on how I’m going to fix it. I’m open to any and all suggestions. Except saying “Take it day by day” because fuck you.

The person I want to become enjoys working out. I want to enjoy the heat emanating from freshly worn muscles. The feeling of sweat on my forehead and the high of each breath. I want to cook at home and enjoy the simple meals. Consistently bringing lunch (and eating what I bring) – even if I don’t like it. I want the joy of knowing that I saved money and my sanity.

Maybe someday.

 

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.  ~John Vance Cheney

DAY FOUR: There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.

Ok – I just want to clarify that I understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I am just having severe withdrawals. Day 4 was the worst thus far. It was the same sad story so I won’t dwell on the details but the worst part was honestly something that my mother did unintentionally. I was on my way home from work and I called her as I usually do. They recently received their tax refund so she offered to buy us dinner. ::Facepalm:: We used to do this all of the time and we would order Chinese food or Pizza or calzones…. good god! As soon as she said it – she was like, “I am so sorry… never mind!” I brushed it off at the time like it was no big deal. Then… my head started to circle around and all I could think about was ordering food. I was having one of those cartoon moments where the car in front of me turned into a hamburger. After I made it home, I told Michael about it and he was all for ordering salads or something. I started looking at menus and just starting crying. It was too much than I could handle at that time. I am not ready to go anywhere right now or look at menus. That is okay, I am allowed to not be ready and take my own pace with everything. I was reminded this morning that This is the hardest part and although it may be slow going, I will be okay. Slow and steady wins the race right? I might give in to a cup of black coffee here and there though just to calm the sugar cravings. To have something hot and bitter tickling my throat.

I went kind of backwards but that is okay – I do what I want! – As you know, Day 3 for me was also very difficult so by 8:45pm…. I was exhausted and decided I needed to go to bed. I ended up forgetting to prepare breakfast for the next day. ::Crap!:: Michael did not have anything to bring unfortunately because he leaves before I even get out of bed in the morning, he ended up taking an applesauce. I made myself some zucchini and summer squash. and called it a day. Luckily, I had already packed the lunch. Both were really good and the day just dragged and dragged on. It becomes very brutal! After my mini-meltdown, I decided to just buck up and cook what was planned for me. I made the pork loin chops and put that in the oven and I made/discovered fennel and carrots. For those who did not see my Facebook post about this ridiculous vegetable – it looked beyond weird and smelled like licorice! BLECH! In the end though, it wasn’t too bad and Michael LOVED it! He was done with the vegetables before I even sat down to eat. Now that is saying something… Overall. It was a rough day but I made it through… still. I ended up dreaming of pizza and woke up thinking that I cheated. I honestly had to go through everything that I ate to make sure that I didn’t cheat. (Don’t worry – I didn’t!) Phew. Good dream though.

DAY THREE: It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves

I hate Tuesdays. I hate them with a writhing passion. They suck. I went to bed at 8:45pm. Tuesday was day three of my “Lifestyle Change” as my friends have named it because it shouldn’t be called just a diet, because it’s not… which is true. I was duped into thinking that I was going to make it through no problem with how good I felt on Monday. This proved FALSE. The withdrawal symptoms hit me like a wall on day three. I was so tired that I was slapping my face to stay awake at work, craving everything under the sun that I could think of! Especially… the BBQ Chicken Calzone from the local pizzeria, DAMMIT! Don’t worry – I have not cheated at all but this has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The food during the day too was kind of less than stellar which affected my mood too. It started out with the mixed berry smoothie which was not bad but it wasn’t as pureed as I would have liked because our cheap Wal-Mart blender sucks. There were some chunks and many seeds. For lunch, I had leftover soup AGAIN. Ugh, I am so sick of soup… luckily it was the last day for it so that kept me going. The funny thing was – I did not feel ridiculously hungry between lunch and dinner. I mean, I was hungry and the cravings didn’t help but I was okay. For dinner, I made bun less beef burgers with a side salad and butternut squash with currants. That was delicious. I was actually super excited to have that for lunch the next day!! Me love the squash!

Side Note: I did not know what a currant was when this started. I have to say – they look and kind of taste like Raisins but they are better!

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night and we have gotten back in touch with each other because she is going through (and killing it) a weight loss journey and she heard about my journey and wanted to support each other. We both are constantly fighting off cravings and her biggest downfall is Cheez-Its. “They are like Crack!” She noted. After she said that though, she said something that kind of stuck with me. “It will all be worth it when I weigh in on Saturday”. This is true. It really put my struggle into perspective (Also – re-reading the reality slap in the face post that I did previously). Yes, I am itchy all over, very achy, tired, foggy and nauseous… but this is temporary. It is all temporary and it will be worth it in the end. Once I get through this initial awfulness… I will feel better than I ever have. I have to remember that.

On a side note – HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS!!! (I know she reads this)

“What is green and flies over Poland?”….. “Peter Panski” HAHAHAA – Courtesy of my awesome hippy father. 🙂

DAY TWO: Happiness is a direction, not a place.

Well… Monday has come and gone. Luckily, my motivation has remained. I am very proud to say that I have not cheated once. I have been sticking to the plan and I have been feeling pretty good considering what I was expecting with detox. I have not deemed myself out of the woods just yet because from what I’ve read – sometimes it can take a few days to really kick in. So yesterday I felt was easier to deal with because I did not have all the super bowl food staring at me in the face screaming “EAT ME!!”. None of the healthy food yell at me, that makes me sad. Anyways, I felt more contained at work. There was not as many options to go off the rails. It helped me stay focused too, it is also nice to have someone write inspiration on your expo board at work. 🙂

I started out eating a Ground beef Zucchini mixture for breakfast, yes you read that right… breakfast. That all by itself was a weird thing to wrap my head around. Normally, unless it was in a taco omelet… there was no beef in the morning. (That’s what she said!). Michael even had some trouble with it too. the good part about it though… it was delicious. I topped it with a little avocado and it was very tasty, and filling. So luckily, work was busier than it normally is on a Monday so I was too distracted to think about food. Lunch came around and I had some of the leftover Chicken soup. That was alright I guess, It was a little bland but I had the whole thing because I was not going to make the same mistake I made on Sunday and leave myself hungry… DAMMIT. In the meantime, I am drinking water like it is going out of style and I am too afraid to get dehydrated… the downside, I am peeing like a friggin racehorse. I swear the people I work with think that I have a UTI or something. After work… I decide not to go to the grandparent’s house because they always have a nice dinner that does not include Paleo friendly items. I went home… famished. I hesitated spending the time to actually cook dinner but there was nothing that was a “quick fix”. So, I made what I was supposed to make. Lemon baked Salmon with a side of mixed greens and homemade salad dressing. OHMYGODITWASSOFUCKINGGOOD! I LOVED the salad dressing, I included more balsamic in it though. So it was just a plate of the salad and the salmon. I ate more salmon than I should have though because I was really hungry and Michael was eating at the grandparents so I didn’t really give a damn. I gave myself a little pat on the buns though for that one. I have included the recipe for anyone that wants to try it – The recipe is meant for a carafe that will last a little while:

So, the funny thing with DAY 2… I felt good. I was not tired during the day, I was not so hungry that I thought I was going to pass out… I was good. That has truly given me hope for the future. It has actually made me believe that maybe this is possible. I started to look at inspiration for weight loss now. It is starting, I can feel the happiness slowly rearing its head. Let’s just hope that the detox doesn’t kick me in the nards now…

DAY ONE: Don’t do what you’ll have to find an excuse for

Firstly, I would like to point out all of the wonderful people that have reached out to me. I have never had this much support for anything that I’ve done before. My sincerest thanks. I am truly blessed and needed the reminder, I am so lucky to have so many great people in my life.

Ok, weekend is over and the hype has dissipated. The diet has begun! I will not jump to how I am doing today quite yet, I will begin by discussing my weekend and the goodbye dance to food. It began on Friday when the 5 boxes (Yes… FIVE!) of Girl Scout cookies arrived. ::Sigh:: Knowing that I was going to have to give them up very soon, I decided to have a movie night to engorge myself as much as possible. It worked. We got rid of 2 1/2 boxes while watching Paranormal Activity 4. The next day, Saturday, I went shopping for the first time at Trader Joes and Whole Foods. With my printed shopping list safely in hand and my cloth bags, I braved my way in. It is hard to explain just how overwhelming it can be when shopping in a new place for items that you do not normally shop for. I felt like a fourth grader lost in New York. After bumping into some helpless old ladies and smiling my way to get some answers between the difference of Organic Pears and All-Natural Pears – I was able to be pleasantly surprised on how cost effective this store was and the incredible options that were available. It is not a very big store but they do not cram it in with as many aisles and sale displays as they can. The people seemed nice and everything that I needed was essentially right there. My only complaint – there is no meat counter. They only have pre-packaged meats. From there, I preceded to Whole Foods where it is like a new world full of hipsters and mean moms. I love whole foods… don’t get me wrong, it makes me feel smarter going there. I walk out feeling like a fresh person! It is probably because they have everything so cramped like sardines, you are just so happy to get out of there! This is where I had gotten the remainder of what I couldn’t find at TJs and all of the meat. Again, did not cost as much as I had originally thought. FOUR HOURS LATER, I am finally unpacking everything and putting things away. I was spent! Luckily, I had dinner plans to look forward to as my last meal with whatever I want – Oh…. I was going to make this good! We went with my in-laws to a restaurant called 1149: Bar and Grille. I won’t go into too much detail but I was very happy with my Calamari, fried green beans, Lobster ravioli and 3 1/2 Martinis. I was feeling pretty happy… until I got home and was violently sick. Serves me right to escape reality. I don’t care, it was amahzing! (I was just channeling my inner Penny from Happy Endings – if you haven’t seen that show, shame on your goat!).

Anyways, this brings me to… DAY ONE!

Yesterday was the official Day 1 of my Paleo Detox cleanse diet. I thought I was going to die. Yesterday, I might add was also the super bowl and there were 10 people that were already invited to my house to watch it. I usually make a big spread for everybody but considering how much money I spent on groceries this week and the fact that I can’t eat any of it – I was not going to do that! The anticipation though of being around all of that food and all of that sugar and not being able to eat it was driving me insane. It started out okay though. I made chicken sausage stir fry with sweet potatoes and mushrooms. That was really good, cooking with Coconut oil though made it interesting. It literally looks like wax that you peel away to put in the pan – once it is in there though, you are golden! Oh science! For lunch, there was a tuna salad that consisted of mixing albacore tuna with lemon juice, some capers, chopped olives and sea salt/pepper. Oh – and a side of mixed greens. Umm…. AWFUL! I decided that I did not like capers and only having the lemon juice was just awful. I actually didn’t finish it. I tried to quickly suck down as much as I could but BLEGH! Be proud though! I did not resort to any substitutions to curb my hunger! I ended up just having my snack early which consisted of a banana with coconut milk and coconut shavings. At this time, already hungry from my non-lunch, I began making the food for the party. Buffalo Chicken Dip, sweet/sour cocktail wieners and I decided against making wings. I also put out the remaining girl scout cookies and bugles that were in the pantry. Someone had brought onion dip and bought a massive pizza for everyone too. On top of all of the alcohol. I honestly do not think that a minute went by where I didn’t considered cheating. That is my MO, I give up. I am the definition of a quitter. But I didn’t, I resisted! I did not ingest anything that I was not supposed to. A good friend of mine, knowing what I was going through, actually was so thoughtful and made me a sweet potato hummus with organic carrots! She felt bad because I couldn’t snack. This was so touching, and delicious! For dinner, while everyone was chowing down… I made the Chicken, Yam and kale soup. It was actually surprisingly good, a little bland but really not bad considering. This is good because this is lunch for the next 2 days. Anyways, the main thing that I took out of it was…. If I am strong enough to resist all of the temptation that was literally under my nose – I am strong enough to do this! Day 2 here we come!!!

Ohh… I am taking pictures of each meal to better summarize my food diary. Also, this will help me isolate what type of Paleo lifestyle I want to achieve after this cleanse.