I knew that it would get to that point. That ultimate moment where you are climbing on the high of success that you fall off the ladder into a thorn bush. I did extremely well all week, I worked out almost every day and I’ve been eating within my calorie limit. It wasn’t until Friday that I fell into the pit of self-sabotage.
It started with a simple Doctor’s appointment. A follow up for my blood pressure and make sure that my headaches are under control. I was fairly excited because I knew that I had lost some weight since my last appointment and it was an early start so I wouldn’t be too late for work. I arrived with a smile and found that I was accurate in the sense that I am 12 pounds lighter than I was two months ago. A couple of laughs with the nurse and my good friend Jackie, turns out my blood pressure is amazingly normal. 120/72! Oh yeah baby. Not too long after, the doctor comes in and we chit chat and go through the list of my meds as we do every time we see each other and make sure everything is correct and what I need more of and what not. After all of the formalities, I casually mention that my hands get super cold very easily and stays cold for about an hour and they get numb. I mentioned this after joking about how much I am ready for warmer weather. She noticed my fingers are a darker red/purpleish color and noticed that they were still ice cold after being in the building on this 45 degree day for a little over an hour. She started pushing different parts of my hands to see the reaction time of when the blood returns and did the same to my feet. Apparently, I have textbook Raynaud’s Disease. Another diagnosis on the list!! She was really concerned with the blood flow and wanted it checked out right away. Off to Sturdy Memorial Hospital I went! I had to wait an hour and a half for extensive blood work and then another two hours for a full scan to make sure I didn’t have any blockage in my circulatory system. When I was waiting to get scanned, which is the same area that I do every three months to scan Henry, one of the regular nurses looked at me and asked if I had my hair different. We hadn’t spoken before this and I didn’t even know her name but she recognized me to the point that my darker brown hair made the difference.
Once that was said, there wasn’t going back. I felt at home and very comfortable and that scared the ever loving shit out of me. I don’t want to be comfortable at the hospital. I don’t want to be here so often that randos recognize me. This is not the life I want for myself. What was supposed to be a quick appointment turned into a day long visit in the hospital and throwing up from the stress. It broke me. I hadn’t eaten anything all day by the time I left and I wasn’t really hungry. I called my mother sobbing because I’ve reached my limit. Although I have calmed down considerably, I am still not sure how much more I can handle. I’ve lost count of my diagnoses.
My mother helped convince me to take a “me day” and relax and to eat whatever I want because I need it. She bought me a pizza and breadsticks and I bought a cheesecake on the way home. I admit that I may have gone a bit overboard but at the time, I gave zero fucks. I didn’t work out Friday and I went way over my calorie count. 
Saturday, I also didn’t work out and went over my calorie count but not as much. At the same time, I was still really down and trying to get rid of the evidence that remained in the fridge. I saw the therapist on Saturday and she helped me justify my reaction by telling me that I am always going to have setbacks. We always want progress in a straight upwards line but the truth is, the line is wavy and there are high points and low points but no matter what, if you don’t give up… it will continue to go in the upward motion.
Today, I started the day with some greek yogurt and a banana. I am feeling a lot better about the future. Luckily, I didn’t gain anything from my sabotaged weekend and lost 1/2 a pound. I consider this a victory.
Truth is, the new diagnosis is not a big deal. I have to get polypropylene gloves to keep my hands warm but as long as nothing comes up on the scans or blood work, I don’t need meds for it or anything like that. It’s definitely becoming more of a struggle though to find the motivation to work out everyday. This weekend took me out of inertia and I lost a lot of energy. Trying to get it back has proven to be even more difficult than before. This is my current struggle but even with the goddamn setback that I needed, this isn’t giving up.
Either tonight or tomorrow, I will post my “UPDATE” with my before pictures and measurements and crap. If you don’t want to know it, don’t look at it! If you do and feel like fat shaming me or being an asshole, fuck you – I won’t approve it. 🙂
that is okay too because that will happen now and again. I’ve done really well in tracking my habits too, if you remember my inspiration wall I have a poster noted as forming habits where I am noting my calories and fitness calories burns every day! Even when its a bad day, I still log it so I can track certain things, I note on the calendar what I do exactly so I can refer back to it. I feel like I am starting to get a system together. I think it will take a couple more weeks but its getting there. I signed up for Kickboxing classes too!!! I start that on Saturday morning which I am super excited and super horrified about!!! No matter what though, I know that I will get the results that I am looking for.
Vintage imagination 