It can be a very difficult process to reconcile the person you strive to be and the person you’re meant to become.
It’s a constant struggle in my life. Certainly one of the main reasons that I start a new project with complete determination and lose steam a few weeks later. I can blame it on being a Libra or my INFJ personality, but I think it’s more managing expectations. Epiphanies rarely come to me one at a time. When I’m having a good day and I feel like my medications are working – I have this “high” that sends a lightning bolt through my imagination. I become excited and manic – wanting to start a new project and change my life. I become motivated that I’ll feel better once I lose some weight and the momentum will keep me going. The sudden inspiration can come from anywhere and can be about anything.
Recently, it’s been about exercising. I haven’t been active in about six months because of my illness and only recently have been approved to slowly get back into it. I watch videos and Instagram stories of these amazing dancers and the skills they posses and wonder if that could ever be “me” again. I loved dancing growing up – the family, the workout, the music. It was everything to me. I still love it, just from afar. I get lost watching “So you think you can dance” and choreographers on YouTube. I became excited to possibly start doing that again, working out and finding dance classes. The problem is that the follow through is not there. It’s not a time issue – I have plenty of time. It feels like a laziness issue. The obstacle is that I can’t determine if the lack of follow through is laziness or listening to my body.
This also translates to my relationship with food. I know I’ve written about this 
many times but food is my fickle bitch. I can be really great about cooking, eating healthy and bringing my own lunch for two weeks but then fall into a deep hole of take out and chocolate cake. I know that I reward small victories with food and I also wallow with food. On the days where my body is tired and painful, I will get takeout or delivery since I can’t cook. The laziness will spill into the next day and then I give up on myself and wallow in my failure. Delivery is very difficult to give up – especially in the days of Postmates and Doordash. It’s so much easier to order food now that it’s made a significant burn mark in my finances and my willpower. Not to mention my weight. My current success is that I haven’t exceed three hundred pounds. It’s a sad thing to be happy about but that’s where I am right now.
To be honest, I’m not really writing this with an answer on how I’m going to fix it. I’m open to any and all suggestions. Except saying “Take it day by day” because fuck you.
The person I want to become enjoys working out. I want to enjoy the heat emanating from freshly worn muscles. The feeling of sweat on my forehead and the high of each breath. I want to cook at home and enjoy the simple meals. Consistently bringing lunch (and eating what I bring) – even if I don’t like it. I want the joy of knowing that I saved money and my sanity.
Maybe someday.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney
look into a mirror and tell the reflection that it’s okay to need help and to have the need to express yourself. That’s why I’m here. I’ve had many ups and downs and the ugly demon of depression has reared it’s ugly head many times. More often than not recently. I have felt as though I’m under a veil of doubt or a thick fog that I can’t navigate. Hope and inspiration is desperately searching for a tear or opening to breath through. 2019 has been a very difficult year filled with illness, family emergencies, fiscal horror shows, employment issues, and new beginnings.
Vintage imagination 