I have moments of clarity. Just moments, rare and fleeting crammed in between thoughts of chores and work. These little ideal nuggets of time is like a spiritual connection between my mind and the universe. Everything fits and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The problem with this is that when I linger on them or try to focus and seize the moment to hold on for it longer, it flies away. I never know when it will come back and the depression of uncertainty washes over me once again.
It’s because of these little experiences that I have where I am pain free and worry free that I want to look into spiritual healing more than physical healing. I want to research a holistic approach to my life and allow that process through my system. Have you ever met an angry Buddhist? No! I’m not necessarily saying I will adopt the religion but the philosophy and spiritual energy relationship is worth looking into.
I’ve been off of the medication for nearly two weeks and I am considerably better. I feel at war with my body and mind though. There is a constant battle of pain and guilt along with shame and disappointment. It’s too much to process without going crazy and it is difficult to say whether my pills are working properly. I find that I protest myself and try to seize control over my body by refusing to take my pills for a week. It never works out well and I end up more sick than I could possibly describe but I do it anyway. It’s my way of knowing what is going to happen, even though it’s bad. Please don’t give me a lecture about how I need to take them every day because I am fully aware of this. Self mutilation is sometimes the only satisfying control a person has left. It’s not healthy but it’s what I got.
On one hand, my therapist keeps reminding me to be kind to myself. I’ve been focusing on my writing more. I know that’s not evident by this blog but I’ll try to update more frequently. I’m a part of a few websites that will pay per article and I’m trying to get published with a short story that I wrote. The process is much more emotionally taxing than I realized. I enjoy the writing and I am going to focus more on the fun of it for right now versus the “getting published” part of it because I need to improve. I’m doing a challenge to write every day for 20 minutes so I am doing that to get more in the habit.
I keep attempting to build myself up. That’s what you are supposed to do. Remember that “This too shall pass” and “everything happens for a reason.” I am trying to figure out who I am, I’m struggling. I’m depressed and I’m stuck. The pep talks only work intermittently in between those moments when everything makes sense and I have the sudden peace that I am on the right path. Those are rare and my failed pep talks only get me so far.
Vintage imagination 