When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the
lock. ~Author Unknown

It is very difficult to truly express my feelings today. I went through my self-pity party and drowned in a sea of my own self despair… for about 24 hours. It started on Wednesday when I went to my Doctor’s appointment. This was the appointment to schedule for all of the blood work and final testing before I begin my new venture of strict food limitations. The purpose is to track my progress and monitor any issues. So, my doctor and I are conversing about everything and she is asking me how I have been feeling. “Not great since I just learned I gained another 3 pounds”. She was unexpectedly surprised at this announcement, which automatically stressed me out. She began asking me other questions about my weight and depression and how I feel and my arthritis, etc. It was determine that there was another condition to add to the list!! I was diagnosed with Cushing’s Syndrome. As she was describing the symptoms and what it means – the words just floated around me and my head felt underwater. I was choking but my lungs were clear. I was further and further away from my own body and drifted off into nothingness. From there, she directed me to go to the hospital immediately for more in depth testing to determine how severe it is. Also during this enlightening discussion, it was found that my pharmacy has been giving me the incorrect dosage on one of the most important medicines that I take. Wal-Mart Pharmacy, who I started going to because of their $4 generic prescription plans, have decided to only give me 50mg of my prescription versus the 88mg that my doctor requested due to insurance restrictions. This was not the worst part – My doctor was never notified of this change. Now, as a result, My thyroid levels are completely out of whack which throws everything else off kilter. This news is what puts me over the edge. I begrudgingly make it to my car where I call the one person that will sympathize, my mother. I put on a brave voice because I don’t want her to worry but inside I am sobbing hysterically because I just can’t take this anymore. As my inner voice is gasping for air, I explain what is going on and she does what she always does. Gives her support and changes the subject so we don’t have to dwell. God, I love that woman. Regardless of the brave face… all I wanted to do was go to my mom’s house to escape, but I can’t…. because she lives 3,122 miles away. I miss her.

I arrived at the hospital which I frequent and continued my out of body experience to the testing center. This area of pure winners are all waiting for some kind of blood work done. I take my seat after submitting paperwork in the furthest corner possible facing the TV. A soap opera was on but I was trying not to notice the people around me so I focused on the wedding and drama surrounding it. You can get sucked in with Dana decides that she doesn’t love Charlie anymore and wants to go to Mexico to be with George but her father is in trouble with the mob and she needs this marriage to save him! I unfortunately did not find out if she got married and was called in ahead of everyone waiting. I felt the daggers piercing my skin from the waiting eyes as I walked past. Once 7 vials of blood was taken, I had was seemed like a spinal tap in my arm. The needle was as thick as the ink in a pen. Once the phlebotomist shoved the needle in my arm, It was not so bad but I guess that is what checked my cortisol levels to determine how severe my Cushing’s is. In my reality terms – it will tell the difference between 3 additional pills or 5 additional pills. Joy.

After all that monstrosity was done, I was completely spent. Some due to all of the blood that was stolen from me and the rest to my new found depression. I decided that it was not worth returning to work and I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Better yet, the life away. I grabbed myself a Wendy’s Chicken burger and plopped violently on the couch and turned on HBO’s Girls (Which is my new obsession because it is just fantastical). This is where I remained until Michael came home not long after. After telling him about my day and knowing how I must have felt, he kneeled at the edge of the couch so he was looking into my eyes, gave a heavy sigh, kissed me on the forehead and asked what I wanted to order in. I had to smile to myself because he knows me so well. He knew that asking me to get up and make something for dinner was just too much for me to handle in that moment. We ordered food and I watched the rest of the show and was a beached whale for the remainder of the night. I don’t think that I was capable of moving if I tried. At 11:30pm, I decided that I should go to bed and at least attempt to sleep, I put in headphones to try and quiet all of the voices and worries that plagues me.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day. There are days where tomorrow is a heavy cloud that hangs over me, every so often – there is sunlight that shines through but the cloud remains. I am not a depressing person but this was my pity party.