Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Today is my anniversary. I know that in your head you just congratulated me so thank you. I’ve been with Michael for 7 years now and it only feels like 20. I haven’t killed him in his sleep so we are chalking that up to success. I am only partially kidding about that.

We had plans, oh boy did we have plans this past weekend to go to a fancy dinner and a movie then have brunch! This was needed badly after the last few weeks that we’ve endured. Most of it has to do with our cars, Michael ended up getting a new one and got into an accident. Mine had to get fixed and then I had a tire blow up so I got those replaced. I feel a little redundant with the constant bitching about everything going wrong but I’ve been a little off again.

I’ve lost all my creative motivation lately. I don’t have any desire to write or read or anything that would juice my mojo. It was lost – LOST I TELL YA! I’m going to buy a camera to help speed things up. I’ve always loved photography and I know that focusing on that an writing more will help me start to see the better things again. Things have to look up right?

Project Life (4): Update!… Sorta

Update isn’t really the right word because I haven’t posted one yet so this is really the initial one. Spoiler Alert!! I am putting my before pictures here so that way I can post later on with continual updates and I can share my accountability and success with everyone. 🙂

WEIGHTS AND MEASUREMENTS:

From my last post, you all know that I had a really bad weekend full of cheesecake and self loathing. I am just eternally grateful that I did not gain any weight as a result and lost half a pound! I am focused now more than ever and the numbers will be changing more dramatically from here on out. If I do have more me days though, that is okay too because that will happen now and again. I’ve done really well in tracking my habits too, if you remember my inspiration wall I have a poster noted as forming habits where I am noting my calories and fitness calories burns every day! Even when its a bad day, I still log it so I can track certain things, I note on the calendar what I do exactly so I can refer back to it. I feel like I am starting to get a system together. I think it will take a couple more weeks but its getting there. I signed up for Kickboxing classes too!!! I start that on Saturday morning which I am super excited and super horrified about!!! No matter what though, I know that I will get the results that I am looking for.

Before Front

Before Back

Well, this is it for now but I’m knocking this down as a success for right now. You have to start somewhere and considering my troubles last week, this is not so damn bad!

Project Life (3): Defeat is always Momentary

I knew that it would get to that point. That ultimate moment where you are climbing on the high of success that you fall off the ladder into a thorn bush. I did extremely well all week, I worked out almost every day and I’ve been eating within my calorie limit. It wasn’t until Friday that I fell into the pit of self-sabotage.

It started with a simple Doctor’s appointment. A follow up for my blood pressure and make sure that my headaches are under control. I was fairly excited because I knew that I had lost some weight since my last appointment and it was an early start so I wouldn’t be too late for work. I arrived with a smile and found that I was accurate in the sense that I am 12 pounds lighter than I was two months ago. A couple of laughs with the nurse and my good friend Jackie, turns out my blood pressure is amazingly normal. 120/72! Oh yeah baby. Not too long after, the doctor comes in and we chit chat and go through the list of my meds as we do every time we see each other and make sure everything is correct and what I need more of and what not. After all of the formalities, I casually mention that my hands get super cold very easily and stays cold for about an hour and they get numb. I mentioned this after joking about how much I am ready for warmer weather. She noticed my fingers are a darker red/purpleish color and noticed that they were still ice cold after being in the building on this 45 degree day for a little over an hour. She started pushing different parts of my hands to see the reaction time of when the blood returns and did the same to my feet. Apparently, I have textbook Raynaud’s Disease. Another diagnosis on the list!! She was really concerned with the blood flow and wanted it checked out right away. Off to Sturdy Memorial Hospital I went! I had to wait an hour and a half for extensive blood work and then another two hours for a full scan to make sure I didn’t have any blockage in my circulatory system. When I was waiting to get scanned, which is the same area that I do every three months to scan Henry, one of the regular nurses looked at me and asked if I had my hair different. We hadn’t spoken before this and I didn’t even know her name but she recognized me to the point that my darker brown hair made the difference.

Once that was said, there wasn’t going back. I felt at home and very comfortable and that scared the ever loving shit out of me. I don’t want to be comfortable at the hospital. I don’t want to be here so often that randos recognize me. This is not the life I want for myself. What was supposed to be a quick appointment turned into a day long visit in the hospital and throwing up from the stress. It broke me. I hadn’t eaten anything all day by the time I left and I wasn’t really hungry. I called my mother sobbing because I’ve reached my limit. Although I have calmed down considerably, I am still not sure how much more I can handle. I’ve lost count of my diagnoses.

My mother helped convince me to take a “me day” and relax and to eat whatever I want because I need it. She bought me a pizza and breadsticks and I bought a cheesecake on the way home. I admit that I may have gone a bit overboard but at the time, I gave zero fucks. I didn’t work out Friday and I went way over my calorie count. Saturday, I also didn’t work out and went over my calorie count but not as much. At the same time, I was still really down and trying to get rid of the evidence that remained in the fridge. I saw the therapist on Saturday and she helped me justify my reaction by telling me that I am always going to have setbacks. We always want progress in a straight upwards line but the truth is, the line is wavy and there are high points and low points but no matter what, if you don’t give up… it will continue to go in the upward motion.

Today, I started the day with some greek yogurt and a banana. I am feeling a lot better about the future. Luckily, I didn’t gain anything from my sabotaged weekend and lost 1/2 a pound. I consider this a victory.

Truth is, the new diagnosis is not a big deal. I have to get polypropylene gloves to keep my hands warm but as long as nothing comes up on the scans or blood work, I don’t need meds for it or anything like that. It’s definitely becoming more of a struggle though to find the motivation to work out everyday. This weekend took me out of inertia and I lost a lot of energy. Trying to get it back has proven to be even more difficult than before. This is my current struggle but even with the goddamn setback that I needed, this isn’t giving up.

Either tonight or tomorrow, I will post my “UPDATE” with my before pictures and measurements and crap. If you don’t want to know it, don’t look at it! If you do and feel like fat shaming me or being an asshole, fuck you – I won’t approve it. 🙂

Project Life (2): Ouch! My Hip!!

There is nothing like that cold, painful and sticky residue on your face from that slap of reality. In this case, that reality is how out of shape I really am. I’ve heard things… I’ve heard things crack that I didn’t know was possible. My muscles have been awakened and they have loudly expressed their displeasure. The mornings have been a series of life alert commercials and wobbling to the bathroom carefully holding my back. It has not been a smooth transition into health mode and I don’t expect it to get easier. I will say one thing though, I am noticing a difference in things other than my decrepit body.

The last few days have been a series of epiphanies and finding different motivations. I weighed myself Tuesday morning after getting a scale finally and found that I’ve lost 8lbs since the last time I’ve been weighed about 6 weeks ago. Knowing that I have started losing right out of the gate is so much more of a relief than the crushing realization of being your heaviest and going from there. Let me just say – what the fuck is with scales now a days?? Every single scale is one of those fancy digital ones with all the bullshit on it. I just want an accurate reading of my weight. No, I don’t need one that talks to me or tells me my BMI or keeps a pie chart. Luckily, I found a cheap one that is the equivalent to the rotary phone but I couldn’t be happier. Yep – screw you and your $150 piece of shit scale! I will take my $11 one and be thrilled! Don’t worry, I’m not going all “My precious” with it but it has been on my mind.

I’ve hit the ground running, per the cliche, in regards to the new life. I’ve decided that At the end of the week, I will list the days and my calorie count for each day and how much I worked out. This way I am accountable and can keep track on here as well as on my tracker at home. I shall call this…. UPDATE! We’ve gone to the gym every day with the exception of Monday because I was so nauseous and I’ve gained more stamina and determination with each visit. Yesterday, I started to enjoy how hard I was working on the treadmill and felt my body react differently to the workout. I liked the burn and pushed for more instead of slowed down and cowered away. Food wise, I have been doing exceptionally well if I do say so myself. I’ve been within my 1260 limit for the past two days and really being aware of what I eat. Surprisingly enough, I’ve been able to keep my cravings in check or indulge, just not over indulge and account for it. It’s been interesting so far but having the support of three co-workers specifically that I see constantly, it has been incredibly helpful. I almost feel like I’ve never gone through this before because of how well-planned this is and how I am doing. I have NEVER been to the point where I was okay to go to the gym everyday. I am keeping in mind that this is still the first week and it usually gets more difficult within the next few but I have high hopes. I’m sick of starting over.

My life in one perfect word.

Project Life (1) : Shut up and Squat!

Project life officially started on Saturday, March 1st and the weekend went “okay.” I have definitely become more mindful of what I am eating and counting calories has been such a wake up call that it has shown me just how much my choices have been affecting me. I was faced with some challenges this weekend though and I am certainly paying for them. The changes that I am instilling is that I will be eating much healthier within a calorie goal of 1280/day. Exercising or at least moving every day. Continuing with the cleaning schedule and participating in an Ab & Squat Challenge that I saw from a Facebook friend Adventures of a Shrinking Fat Girl. I’ve made sure that the people around me are aware of my feelings and goals and I have more encouragement and guidance than I ever had before. Also, I made an inspiration wall for my bedroom so I can see every day why I am making the decisions that I am making. There are a few quotes that really spoke to me, one talked about three months from now, you will wish you started today. Another one is “You don’t have to be great to start but you have to start to be great.” That really helped me in the right direction.

Inspiration Wall

Day 1: Saturday went really well for the most part. It started with waking up early and going grocery shopping before 9am which was fantastic. I had made a list of all the food I wanted to get and had a plan to make a “Snack drawer” (Thanks Pinterest!). I even had a friend of mine make notes on my list to help with any more direction I needed. Then we went to Walgreen to get Whey Protein and a scale so I can begin to track my progress. Apparently, scales are hard to come by because there was only one place that it is carried and they were completely out of them. The whey protein was a smaller container and only $15 with my points so Michael was more apt to agree. It was recommended that I combine the protein with Almond milk so both Michael and I tried it when we got home as a substitute for lunch and we both really enjoyed it. After my therapy appointment, we went to the gym  for an hour where I did 15 minutes of elliptical (without stopping I might add) and 40 minutes on the treadmill. From there, we went to a cinema pub to watch American Hustle. I knew we were going there before so I was able to look at the menu and decide what I was going to get and plan accordingly. I indulged in buffalo chicken eggrolls with 2tbl of Blue cheese and a spinach salad with grilled chicken. Plus, 2 glasses of wine! It was nice to know where I was calorie wise and not feel too guilty to indulge in myself. With the extra calories that I earned from the gym, I only went over my daily amount by around 150 calories. Not bad for a first day.

Day 2: Sunday went pretty well. I know the beginning of the post made it seem grim but that’s not fair. We woke up early again and went to the gym where I did about 50 minutes on the treadmill. After the gym, I took a shower and a prompt nap. We were going to a friends house for around 2pm and I was so excited. I saved a lot of my calories throughout the day in anticipation of having some wine and other food that I didn’t know would be there. It is always such a great time when we go that it was so easy to let myself indulge in absolutely everything. Chili dip (amazing), BBQ Ribs and cornbread and homemade chocolate cake. chocolate freaking cake. It was incredible I didn’t and still don’t have any regrets but I will say this. I woke up this morning and I have been nauseous for the better part of the morning. Now before anyone starts screaming BABY after a women says she is nauseated, I just got my period yesterday. (You’re welcome guys for that TMI 😉 )

Waking up today, I decided to seriously keep it light. I did find that Michael had finished the Almond Milk to make protein shakes that he apparently is all on board for now. Thanks for leaving me 4oz which isn’t enough for a full scoop! AArrrrggggg. Luckily we have skim milk so don’t cry for me Argentina. I will basically just try to make it through the day at work today and hope I feel better in time to go home. If I don’t go to the gym, I think I will try a beginner’s yoga class on youtube or something. Meh. The important thing is that I indulged yesterday and I do not feel regret. We had a great time with friends and I wouldn’t take that away. The way I feel this morning though I think is a good motivator to eat a little bit better though.

Organized Chaos is Beautiful

Rare as a fucking Unicorn!

Ok… perhaps not THAT rare but apparently I am in the personality block of less than 1% of the population. I took one of those crazy in depth personality tests today and got smacked in the face with reality. It was so crazy accurate that it needed to be blogged immediately. After going through the 50 questions or so and my brain was mush, my result was INFJ; This is the general description of what that means:

The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior.

So… If you’ve read my blog before, it is very clear that this defines me to a tee! TO A TEE! I am going to read the 60 page more advanced version to go further into it. HA! Wow – less than 1% of the population, that explains so much of why I never thought I fit in anywhere specific. GAHHHHHH. Anyways, carry on peeps. 🙂

You are not suck!

The quote that I used for the title of this post was actually “You are not stuck,” but I read it wrong and I think this one is way better!

It has recently come to my attention that I do not in fact suck. This is somewhat of a shock to me. I mean, I’ve always known that I was dipped in the awesome sauce as a child but it seems to be dripping away. I have started to slowly get my shit together a couple steps at a time. From my previous post, you know that this was a big issue for me. I’ve started my life binder which is still seen as a mild joke but the bruising is going down.

Speaking of bruising! A huge revelation that has released a boulder from my back happened at the therapist’s office. We spoke about the idea of kids and she asked me why I don’t want them to which I replied, “They are always screaming and needy and annoying and somehow constantly sticky which you can’t explain. Also, what if I have a migraine and can’t physically care for it or can’t move or have an episode. what then?” The therapist gave me a cold hard look that went right through me. She studied my eyes that started to panic and read my thoughts, she looked down and noticed that I started rubbing my right thumb on the joint of my left index finger again. She slowly sighed and said calmly, “We see children in our adult life the way adults treated us when we were children.” WHAT THE FUCK. Holy shitballs, cue my mind blowing up. This explains my whole disdain towards children and why I hate them so much. With the exception of my mother, I was a constant nuisance to everyone and unless I presented myself and spoke as an adult, I wasn’t recognized as a person. It is amazing how knowing the true root of the issue can open your eyes to how you really feel. Turns out, I really do want children but I was too horrified for it to reflect my childhood. If I come to find that I am not able to then I will still accept that as my path and be happy. I just feel so much more at peace with the whole situation.

That being said, Project Life is full steam ahead. (HA! That rhymed!). Michael and I went over a few things that we wanted to do and some goals. We’ve been doing really well on cleaning every day and doing the dishes every day and cooking more. I’ve honestly found that Inertia is working its magic fingers and I have been in motion and staying in motion.

P.S. I just spilled my coffee all over my hands while being distracted by a cute boy so I have that going for me.

A great big wave of opportunity has washed over me recently which is super exciting! I’ve been given the green light to write an article for a website as a contributor! thewellwrittenwoman.com is a credible website with regular writers that cover a variety of topics. Its not The New Yorker but you know what? IT’S MY FIRST STEP IN THAT DIRECTION! I am writing my article “What makes a woman” and it’s going really well. I can’t wait to present it. It isn’t a paying gig but it could turn into a regular writing contribution, with my own bio and everything! This is the first time that a website other than my own has wanted to publish my writing. I am so excited that I could pee! One of my goals in the life binder is to start writing every day whether it be part of an article, this blog or my writing blog.

I am actually looking forward to the future. I haven’t been able to say that in a long time. I mean really looking forward and trying to see what life will bring. I am not bracing myself for the next wave of disappointment. It is such a strange feeling because I’ve been doing that my entire life. The other shoe has always dropped. I am entering into unknown territory but I am surrounded by wonderful people and this time, I know I will make it no matter what happens.

 

Ugh – I apologize for the unbelievably fucking corny sayings pictures but they were so damned appropriate so fucking deal with it! ❤ you. 🙂

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.

Have you ever just sat back and thought about how fucked up you are and couldn’t catch your breath?

That moment when your partner for seven years turns to you and says “I know that you don’t want children but I think you should try and reconsider.” <cue anvil>

Anyone else have this experience? No? Just me? okay then… Let’s just say that my head is still reeling from the massive BOMB that was dropped this past weekend. Obviously Michael’s biological clock has started ticking which leaves me in a very interesting situation. Given my surprise miscarriage a few years ago and the subtle fact that I absolutely despise children, I have come to the conclusion that I would not have any of my own. This became fact. A well known fact. Family members have accepted this long ago. It is just something I haven’t thought about in a long time until now. We were driving when he turned and said this and added… “Initially we both wanted kids and if you really don’t want to then I understand but just know that it would be a very hard pill for me to swallow.” ::sigh:: INSTANT PANIC ensues. Let me just add this, it is one thing to daydream about having kids someday in a faraway land but it is a completely different unicorn having a serious conversation about it with a timeline.

My immediate reaction was to fall back on the fact that we are still dealing with Henry (tumor) and although it is on the path to be more safe, it is something to factor into the conversation. Also, for a couple of people in our late twenties – we do NOT have our shit together in any way shape or form. I mean, our go-to is still to order pizza and breadsticks if we don’t feel like doing the 3 day old dishes still in the sink. We don’t exercise on a regular basis and, heh.. we don’t exercise. I mean – how the fuck would another life form fit into this?!

I still don’t have a definitive answer but I am in the process of putting together a “Life Binder” to get our shit together. For those of you who know me personally, the idea of constructing a binder is HILARIOUS because I use any excuse to make a binder. Hardy har har. This is legitimate. I am officially submitting myself into full OCD mode and organizing every single aspect of my life. EVERY.SINGLE.ASPECT. I found an ebook that lists all (12) parts of your life and ways to organize and improve. This is a thing! It’s happening! We’ve talked it over and we will be completely re-evaluating everything and organizing what we do and how we do it starting this weekend. I told Michael that when and only when we have a better handle on things can we even start to talk about it. Holy cow is my therapist going to have her hands full on Saturday!

I am going to put a more detailed description on what we are going to be doing on here and blogging the whole time because that is actually part of what I want to be more consistent and organized! I am still thinking of a more clever name than Project Life so if you think of a better one, please share!!! 🙂

Oh – holy shit… I need to make these happen. (random) http://mamabblog.com/2011/06/french-toast-and-bacon-cupakes.html

 
A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson